Classic Dad Jokes

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

Cop: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!”

I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.

I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.

I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested? They gave him a tough sentence.

I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!

If you feel like someone is watching you, you’re not alone.

RIP boiled water—you will be mist.

When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, “Mark, my words.”

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together? A carpet.

Which season do people get injured the most? The fall.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.

What kind of music do balloons hate? Pop music.

What did the drill tell the piece of wood that tried to run? You’re screwed.

Why did the nose feel sad? Because it was always getting picked on.

What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of fuel? The Ford Siesta.

I heard that 5/4 of people are bad at fractions.

What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat.

I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find were 6,000 matches.

I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.

I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.

Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

Where did Luke Skywalker buy his new arm? At the second hand store!

What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!

How did the skeleton know it was about to rain? He could feel it in his bones.

Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that’s just my five cents.

I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose!What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for his birthday? He felt his presents.

I had to return the vacuum cleaner… it sucked.

How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure ones a match.

Ever since we started quarantining, I’ve only been telling inside jokes.

What has five toes, a heel, and isn’t your foot? My foot.

I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down. I told him that’s not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.

I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.

Why did the picture get arrested? It got framed.

What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.

What do you call someone who won’t stick to a diet? A desserter.

“Do you wanna box for your leftovers?” “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

Why are refrigerator’s good under pressure? They always keep their cool.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? Because they have no body to go with.

What rhymes with boo and stinks? You.

What does a spy do when they’re cold? They go undercover.

Why did the man run around the bed? He was trying to catch up on his sleep.

Why do spiders know everything? They get their information from the Web.

If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Did you hear the joke about déjà vu? Did you hear the joke about déjà vu?

At least I know I can always count on my fingers.

I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.

My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

I have a joke about banking, but I lost interest.

At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.

Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.

Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.

Can February March? No, but April May!

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

To the guy who invented zero – thanks for nothing.

Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It’s all over town!

I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

I got an anonymous compliment about my parking skills today. It said, “Parking fine.”

How does a lawyer say goodbye? I’ll be suing ya!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can’t jump.

I’m reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine. That’s his back story.

I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it’s the whole sentence.

What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.

What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.

Did you hear about the man who cut off his left arm? He’s all right now.

How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet but that’s just nuts.

Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

Why couldn’t the beaver get back home? They couldn’t find the dam door.

Why can’t Monday lift Saturday? It is a weak day.

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I’m just asking for a friend.

I didn’t understand why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I’m so good at napping that I can do it in my sleep!

What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”