Animal Dad Jokes

My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.

What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!

Why are penguins so awkward at parties? Because they can’t break the ice.

Why does a duck have feathers? To cover up his butt quack.

Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.

You think swimming with sharks is cheap? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg!How long is a piece of string? Twice as long as half of it!

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What is the easiest way to get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.

Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!

If a squirrel seems to like you, you must be a bit nutty.

Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.

What animal should you never trust to tell the truth? A lion.

My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

What do you call monkeys with a shared Amazon account? Prime mates.

Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!

What do you call a cat chewing on Christmas tree lights? Shocking.

What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.

Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.

My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think he’s feline well.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.

Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.

Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.

If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.

What do you call the goldfish that came third? A bronze fish

My dog is a genius. I asked him, “What’s two minus two?” He said nothing.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? “It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”

Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Cows go. “Cows go who?” No, cows go moo!

What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish.

I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help with a shark circling him. I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.

Why was the elephant late to the airport? He forgot to pack his trunk.

What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of words? A Thesaurus.

Two sheep walk into a—baaaa.

Why did the elephant quit his job? He was working for peanuts.

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.

What did the vet say to the cat? “How are you feline?”

What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor.

Why don’t dogs like walking in the rain? They are afraid of Poodles.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

Why did the coach put the frog in the outfield? He’s really good at catching flies.

What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.

What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.

Doctor, doctor, I’m terrified of squirrels. Doctor: You must be nuts.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole.

Why are frogs scared to cross the busy street? They don’t want to croak.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the gray hares.

What is the best day to cook fish? Friday.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I think this could spell disaster.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

I have a joke about cows, but I don’t want to milk it.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.

Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.

Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived “hoppily” ever after.

What do you write on a rabbit’s birthday card? Hoppy Birthday!

What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company? A crane.

What do rabbits need after getting caught in the rain? A hare dryer.

Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.

What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!

What is the difference between a cat that got photocopied and a cat that follows you? One is a cat copy, the other is a copycat.

How do cows learn about current events? They read the moo-spaper.

Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.

I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking her. She’s a pure bread dog.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Cows go. Cow’s go who? No, silly. Cows go “moo!”

Knock knock. Who’s there? Honey bee. Honey bee who? Honey bee a dear and get that for me please!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh—MOO!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Lion. Lion who? Lion on your doorstep, open up!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Two knee. Two knee who? Two knee fish!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Barbie. Barbie who? Barbie-que chicken is my favorite.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Bear. Bear who? Bear with me, we aren’t done yet.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cat. Cat who? Cat you see I’m knocking on the door?

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Giraffe. Giraffe who? Giraffe anything else to say?

Knock, knock! Who’s there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting … MOOOOOO!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alligator. Alligator who? Alligator something nice for her birthday.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bird. Bird who? Bird day greetings to you.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Goat. Goat who? Goat the front door and find out!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honey bee. Honey bee who? Honey bee a sweetie and get me some chips.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Oink Oink. Oink Oink who? Make Up Your Mind…Are You A Pig Or An Owl?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting cow— Moooo!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Whale. Whale who? Whale whale whale what do we have here?

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly. Cows go moo.

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? The interrupting sheep. The interr..BAAA!!!

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

What did one sheep say to the other? Ewe complete me.

What do you tell a pig on February 14? Happy Valen-swine’s Day!

Are you a cat? Cause you are purrfect.

How can you tell when a squirrel is in love? It goes nuts!

How did the orca ask the other to be their Valentine? “Whale you be mine?”

How did the whale ask the other whale on a Valentine’s date? Whale you be mine?

How do sheep share their feelings with each other? By saying, “I love ewe.”