Family Dad Jokes

I don’t often tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.

Today my son asked me, “Can I have a bookmark”? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!

I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!

My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can’t see anything!

One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. Those were Goodyears.

Kid: “Dad, I feel like an ice cream.” Dad: “That’s funny… you don’t look like an ice cream.”

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.

I have a joke about nepotism, but I’ll only tell it to my kids.

Kid: “Dad, can you make me a sandwich?” Dad: “Poof! You’re a sandwich.”

Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.

Kid: “Ow, I hurt my foot!” Dad: “Well, what’d you do that for?”

My son’s fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn’t recognize him at first. I had never seen him be four.

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.

Kid: “Dad, how do I look?” Dad: “With your eyes.”

Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.

“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

Kid: “I’m hungry.” Dad: “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.”

Kid: “Dad, my nose is running.” Dad: “Well, you better go catch it!”

Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.

Our family could never get tyred of Dad jokes. He says they’re wheelie good.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.

I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was today!

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.

I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.

What do you call a line of dads waiting to get haircuts? The barberqueue!

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? “It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”

“Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

Why was it so hard to find drinking cups for the kids? They forgot their glasses.

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff

I started arguing with my son in the elevator. Turns out I was wrong on all levels

Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”

How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”

Knock knock. Who’s there? Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe who? Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Venice. Venice who? Venice your dad coming home?

You’re the best dad ever, and I’m not kitten about this.

A Pea Father’s Day, Daddy!

Congratulations! You have been koalified to be called the best father.

Father, I am your daughter.

Happy Father’s Day to a reel awesome dad.

Happy Father’s Day, let’s par-tee.

Happy Father’s Day! I am about to finish wrapping your pheasant.

Happy Fathers Day — don’t worry, be hoppy.

How did the pig wake up his dad on Father’s Day? Hogs and kisses.

How do dads like their steak on Father’s Day? On a plate.

I am fishing you a happy Father’s Day!

I wish you a fan-stache-tic Father’s Day.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure. Happy Father’s Day!

Lettuce celebrate Father’s Day tonight.

What did the cheerleader bring her dad for breakfast on Father’s Day? Cheerios.

What did the martians wear to Father’s Day dinner? Space suits.

What did the Panda give his daddy on Father’s Day? A bear hug.

What did the puppies make their dad for Father’s Day breakfast? Pooched eggs.

What did the waiter say to the daddy dog when he served Father’s Day dinner? Bone-appetit!

What do nice pirates do on Father’s Day? Take out the garrrrrrrrrbage without being asked.

What makes more noise than a child jumping on daddy’s bed on Father’s Day morning? Two children jumping on daddy’s bed!

What’s the best thing a new dad can get for Father’s Day? A long nap.

Where did the cow family go on Father’s Day? The moo-vies.

Why couldn’t the digital clock make dinner for Father’s Day? He had no hands.

Why did the bean children give their dad a sweater for Father’s Day? He was chili

Why did the kids give their dad a blanket for Father’s Day? Because they thought he was the coolest dad.

Why do sons love Father’s Day so much? Because it’s always on son day (Sunday)

Why don’t they have Father’s Day sales? Because Fathers are priceless.

Why wasn’t one Father’s Day gift better than the other? It was a tie!

Wood you believe how much I really love you, Dad?

Yoda best dad in the whole world!

You are totally the best dad of all thyme.

You did a grape job raisin me, Dad.

You’re like a whiteboard, Dad, because you’re remarkable.

You’re soy awesome, Dad.

Thank you berry much for always being by my side, Dad.

Thank you for always being a soup-er Dad.

Thanks for always pudding up with me, Dad.

Thanks for everything, Dad. You’re cereal-ously the best.

Please do remember that I whale always love you, Dad.

I’m so lucky duck you are my dad.

I’m not lion, Dad. You are really the best!

I donut know what I’d do without your help, Dad.

Hi Dad, thanks for constantly chicken on me. Because of you, I turned out well done.

Everything I brew, I brew it for you, Dad.

Dad, you’re shrimply amazing.

Dad, I lava you so much!

Dad, I have so mushroom for you in my heart.

Being a great dad is such a whisky business, but you did it so well.

I can’t express how much I loaf you, Dad.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Bacon Bacon who? Bacon cake for Father’s Day.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Gladys.Gladys who? Gladys Father’s Day.

Knock Knock Who’s there? Hop Hop who? Hoppy Father’s Day!

Knock Knock Who’s there? Hugh Hugh who? Hugh glad it’s Father’s Day, I am?

Knock Knock Who’s there? June June who? June know any Father’s Day Jokes?

Knock knock Who’s there? Justin! Justin who? Justin time to say Happy Father’s Day!