1. To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.
  2. Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever… She said, she’s sorry she ever married me.
  3. How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!
  4. Why do pilots drink before flights? The cockpit doesn’t have cup holders.
  5. My dog used to chase people on a scooter a lot. It got so bad we had to take his scooter away.
  6. Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons have started to pay off.
  7. Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
  8. Why did the Karen press CTRL+ ALT+ DEL? Because she wanted to see the task manager!
  9. Did you hear about a guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
  10. What’s a karate kids favourite drink? Waataaaaaaa!
  11. I don’t often tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs.
  12. Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
  13. Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.
  14. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
  15. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
  16. Cop: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!”
  17. I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
  18. I talk to myself because sometimes I just need expert advice.
  19. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  20. My girlfriend says it’s either her or my career as a news reporter. I have some breaking news for her.
  21. I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said yes, all the rest had been nines and tens.
  22. To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
  23. I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.
  24. I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.
  25. What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested? They gave him a tough sentence.
  26. I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!
  27. Today my son asked me, “Can I have a bookmark”? I burst into tears — he’s 12 years old and still doesn’t know my name!
  28. I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!
  29. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
  30. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
  31. How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
  32. My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
  33. If you feel like someone is watching you, you’re not alone.
  34. RIP boiled water—you will be mist.
  35. My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She’s starting to sound like my wife.
  36. What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!
  37. Why are penguins so awkward at parties? Because they can’t break the ice.
  38. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”.
  39. When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking.
  40. I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, “Mark, my words.”
  41. What do you get when you put a car and a pet together? A carpet.
  42. Doctor, there’s an invisible person in the waiting room. Tell them I can’t see them.
  43. Which season do people get injured the most? The fall.
  44. Why does a duck have feathers? To cover up his butt quack.
  45. I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he’s still making fun of me.
  46. In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
  47. I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
  48. Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
  49. What did the baker say when she won an award? “It was a piece of cake.”
  50. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
  51. My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
  52. Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can’t see anything!
  53. One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. Those were Goodyears.
  54. Kid: “Dad, I feel like an ice cream.” Dad: “That’s funny… you don’t look like an ice cream.”
  55. My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
  56. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
  57. Did you hear about the guy who stole 50 cartons of hand sanitizer? They couldn’t prosecute, his hands were clean.
  58. Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
  59. To the person who stole my power steering: I just can’t handle it.
  60. My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.
  61. I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  62. To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy now.
  63. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
  64. You think swimming with sharks is cheap? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg!How long is a piece of string? Twice as long as half of it!
  65. My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. “Sure,” I said. “My door is always open.”
  66. I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.
  67. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
  68. To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I hope you can’t sleep at night.
  69. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
  70. To the person who stole my dictionary: I have no words.
  71. I have a joke about nepotism, but I’ll only tell it to my kids.
  72. I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.
  73. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
  74. What kind of music do balloons hate? Pop music.
  75. What did the drill tell the piece of wood that tried to run? You’re screwed.
  76. Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.
  77. Why did the nose feel sad? Because it was always getting picked on.
  78. What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of fuel? The Ford Siesta.
  79. Why do smartphones ring? Because they can’t talk.
  80. What is the easiest way to get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
  81. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.Why did the candle quit his job? He felt burned out.
  82. Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
  83. I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
  84. I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s standing.
  85. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
  86. I heard that 5/4 of people are bad at fractions.
  87. That wedding was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.
  88. What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
  89. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
  90. It hurts me to say this, but I have a sore throat.
  91. I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find were 6,000 matches.
  92. Kid: “Dad, can you make me a sandwich?” Dad: “Poof! You’re a sandwich.”
  93. I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.
  94. What did the sink tell the toilet? “You look flushed.”
  95. Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out.
  96. Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
  97. I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
  98. Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.
  99. Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
  100. Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
  101. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  102. I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
  103. Why was the tea so cold for breakfast? It needed a t-shirt.
  104. Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn’t stop telling jokes? It was on a roll.
  105. Where did Luke Skywalker buy his new arm? At the second hand store!
  106. What do clouds do when they become rich? They make it rain!
  107. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  108. Which food tells the cheesiest jokes? Pizza.
  109. How did the skeleton know it was about to rain? He could feel it in his bones.
  110. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah!
  111. My dad died because he couldn’t remember his blood type. He kept insisting “be positive”, but it’s just so hard without him.
  112. If a squirrel seems to like you, you must be a bit nutty.
  113. What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
  114. Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that’s just my five cents.
  115. Kid: “Ow, I hurt my foot!” Dad: “Well, what’d you do that for?”
  116. I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.
  117. I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus, but geometry is where I draw the line.
    Which is the worst sport to play? Bad-minton.
  118. How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose!What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
  119. Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
  120. Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
  121. Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
  122. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
  123. A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
  124. Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
  125. My son’s fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn’t recognize him at first. I had never seen him be four.
  126. What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
  127. I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
  128. My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
  129. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  130. Why should you never take paper to the gym? It gets ripped too easily.
  131. Why couldn’t the astronaut land on the moon? Because it was full.
  132. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for his birthday? He felt his presents.
  133. I had to return the vacuum cleaner… it sucked.
  134. What animal should you never trust to tell the truth? A lion.
  135. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crumby.
  136. How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure ones a match.
  137. My dog has no nose. How does it smell? Awful!
  138. My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.
  139. Ever since we started quarantining, I’ve only been telling inside jokes.
  140. What has five toes, a heel, and isn’t your foot? My foot.
  141. Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
  142. I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down. I told him that’s not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.
  143. I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.
  144. Kid: “Dad, how do I look?” Dad: “With your eyes.”
  145. I hate my job — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
  146. What’s the best kind of music to listen to when fishing? Something catchy.
  147. Why did the picture get arrested? It got framed.
  148. Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.
  149. Getting paid to sleep is a true dream job.
  150. What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.
  151. What do you call someone who won’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
  152. What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.
  153. “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?” “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
  154. Why are refrigerator’s good under pressure? They always keep their cool.
  155. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick-or-treating? Because they have no body to go with.
  156. What rhymes with boo and stinks? You.
  157. What do you call monkeys with a shared Amazon account? Prime mates.
  158. What does a spy do when they’re cold? They go undercover.
  159. Why did the man run around the bed? He was trying to catch up on his sleep.
  160. Why do spiders know everything? They get their information from the Web.
  161. Knock Knock Who’s there? Harold! Harold who? Harold do you think I am?
  162. What did the late tomato say to the other tomatoes? Don’t worry i’ll ketchup.
  163. “What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
  164. I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.
  165. If you’re feeling depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to sleep. It’ll give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
  166. Did you hear the joke about déjà vu? Did you hear the joke about déjà vu?
  167. At least I know I can always count on my fingers.
  168. I had to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
  169. Why are fish so smart? They live in schools!
  170. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
  171. I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.” So I went in and applied for the job.
  172. Barbers… you have to take your hat off to them.
  173. Kid: “I’m hungry.” Dad: “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.”
  174. To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.
  175. I have a joke about banking, but I lost interest.
  176. At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.
  177. How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.
  178. Knock knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome.
  179. Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
  180. Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.
  181. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  182. Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues? They were engaged.
  183. Can February March? No, but April May!
  184. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
  185. What do you call a cat chewing on Christmas tree lights? Shocking.
  186. What is the tallest building in the world? The library – it’s got the most stories.
  187. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”And I told him, “No it doesn’t.”
  188. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.
  189. To the guy who invented zero – thanks for nothing.
  190. How did the cell phone ask his girlfriend to marry him? He gave her a ring.
  191. Did you heard about the giant that threw up? It’s all over town!
  192. My wife and I have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty badly.
  193. My wife told me to quit doing my terrible Arnold impression, but don’t worry, I’ll be back.
  194. I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
  195. I got an anonymous compliment about my parking skills today. It said, “Parking fine.”
  196. How does a lawyer say goodbye? I’ll be suing ya!
  197. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, houses can’t jump.
  198. What’s a bad wizard’s favorite computer program? Spell check.
  199. I’m reading a novel where the main character has strained the muscles around his spine. That’s his back story.
  200. Kid: “Dad, my nose is running.” Dad: “Well, you better go catch it!”
  201. I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.
  202. I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.
  203. Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.
  204. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  205. Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it’s the whole sentence.
  206. What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
  207. What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.
  208. Did you hear about the man who cut off his left arm? He’s all right now.
  209. What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
  210. What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
  211. Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.
  212. How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
  213. I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
  214. How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?” Nothing, it’s on the house.
  215. I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
  216. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  217. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  218. I thought about going on an all-almond diet but that’s just nuts.
  219. What do you call a shoe made of a banana? A slipper.
  220. Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.
  221. Why couldn’t the beaver get back home? They couldn’t find the dam door.
  222. Why can’t Monday lift Saturday? It is a weak day.
  223. Our family could never get tyred of Dad jokes. He says they’re wheelie good.
  224. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
  225. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didn’t have any idea either.
  226. I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
  227. Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I’m just asking for a friend.
  228. I didn’t understand why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  229. I’m so good at napping that I can do it in my sleep!
  230. What does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby? He lies on the couch and drinks a beer!
  231. I haven’t spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!
  232. What does “idk” stand for? Everyone I ask says, “I don’t know.”
  233. Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Nobel. “Nobel who?” No – bel, so I just knocked.
  234. I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
  235. My wife turned to me and said, “What starts with F and ends with K?” and I said, “No it doesn’t.”
  236. What’s Forrest Gump’s email password? 1Forrest1
  237. What’s green and has wheels? Grass! I lied about the wheels.
  238. What did one candle say to the other? Do you want to go out tonight?
  239. What did the left eye say to the right? Something smells between us.
  240. Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
  241. Why was the football stadium cold? There were too many fans.
  242. Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst.
  243. Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
  244. Why did the baseball player get arrested? Because he stole second base.
  245. What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt.
  246. Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
  247. What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
  248. Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.
  249. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down.
  250. What’s the secret to always staying down to Earth? Gravity.
  251. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.
  252. What happens when you take a watch on a plane? Time flies!
  253. My cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think he’s feline well.
  254. Last night my wife and I watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
  255. I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
  256. “Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?” “Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”
  257. Today I’m attaching a light to the ceiling, but I’m afraid I’ll probably screw it up.
  258. If you spell the words “absolutely nothing” backward, you get “gnihton yletulosba,” which ironically means… absolutely nothing.
  259. My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was today!
  260. I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.
  261. 3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
  262. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.
  263. Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Ayatollah. “Ayatollah who?” Ayatollah you already.
  264. I’m so excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!
  265. Why won’t Apple start making cars? They wouldn’t support windows.
  266. I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.
  267. Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.
  268. Why didn’t the invisible man go to the dance? He didn’t have any body to take.
  269. Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
  270. How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”
  271. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
  272. What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner’s on me.
  273. Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.
  274. Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He’s at the hospital waiting to be seen.
  275. Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.
  276. If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
  277. Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
  278. What did one wall say to the other? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
  279. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
  280. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
  281. If towels could tell jokes, I think they’d have a very dry sense of humor.
  282. What do you call the goldfish that came third? A bronze fish
  283. What did the police officer say to the belly button? You’re under a vest!
  284. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
  285. I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
  286. I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
  287. Why did the invisible man decline the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  288. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.
  289. Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Alabama. “Anybody with you?” Nope. I’m Alabama self.
  290. I have a joke about putting in a light bulb, but I’m afraid I’ll screw it up.
  291. Why are balloons so expensive? Inflation!
  292. My dog is a genius. I asked him, “What’s two minus two?” He said nothing.
  293. Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
  294. Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
  295. Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
  296. What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
  297. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
  298. Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.
  299. I was going to tell a joke about water, but it was too tasteless.
  300. Why did the physicist and the biologist break up? Because they had no chemistry.
  301. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
  302. Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
  303. Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
  304. Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
  305. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
  306. Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
  307. Student: “Can I go to the bathroom?” Teacher: “It’s ‘may.'” Student: “No, it’s January.”
  308. Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
  309. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
  310. Why do astronauts use Linux? Because they can’t open windows in space.
  311. My daughter just shrieked at me, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What an odd way to begin a conversation.
  312. Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He’s an excellent parallel Parker.
  313. I wish my gray hair started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
  314. What do you call someone who always states the obvious? Someone who always states the obvious.
  315. There’s only one thing I can’t deal with, and that’s a deck of cards glued together.
  316. Did you hear about the king who was exactly 12 inches tall? He was a great ruler!
  317. What do you call a line of dads waiting to get haircuts? The barberqueue!
  318. Why did the bed wear a disguise? It was undercover.
  319. I made a whopping six figures last year. I also was fired from the toy factory for being too slow.
  320. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  321. What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
  322. I’ve never been a fan of facial hair. But now it’s starting to grow on me.
  323. What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? “Let’s try a different angle.”
  324. How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
  325. What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? “It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”
  326. Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.
  327. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
  328. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
  329. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  330. One friend complained to another, “All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asked the second friend. “I’d like to lose another fifteen pounds first.”
  331. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
  332. I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
  333. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021!
  334. My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.
  335. What’s the loudest pet you can own? A trumpet.
  336. What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
  337. Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He’s still in the cast.
  338. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
  339. Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
  340. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
  341. I was sitting on the back porch with my wife when I suddenly blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asked. I answered, “It’s me… talking to my beer.”
  342. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They might crack up!
  343. Did you hear about the surgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects? He did one on the fly.
  344. Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better!
  345. Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Cows go. “Cows go who?” No, cows go moo!
  346. What vegetable is kind to everyone? The sweet potato.
  347. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
  348. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
  349. What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish.
  350. We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.
  351. Keep the dream alive, and hit the snooze button.
  352. What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? “I’m a big fan.”
  353. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  354. What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? “Yellow!”
  355. Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.
  356. Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.
  357. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
  358. “Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut!”
  359. The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an “outstanding balance.”
  360. What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can’t wait to squeeze you!
  361. I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
  362. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
  363. How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
  364. What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
  365. Why did Jon Snow wait in line for six hours outside the Apple Store? For the watch.
  366. If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.
  367. I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help with a shark circling him. I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
  368. Why was it so hard to find drinking cups for the kids? They forgot their glasses.
  369. Why was the elephant late to the airport? He forgot to pack his trunk.
  370. My wife said I was immature so I told her to get out of my fort.
  371. I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back-to-back with a friend. It maybe wasn’t the best idea, because it meant I couldn’t see the TV.
  372. Why was the mushroom popular? He’s a fun guy.
  373. What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of words? A Thesaurus.
  374. How many apples grow on trees? All of them.
  375. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.
  376. What did the apple say to the kangaroo? Nothing. Apples can’t talk.
  377. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff
  378. Did you hear about the cartoonist found dead at his home? Details are sketchy.
  379. A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”
  380. Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
  381. I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn’t work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
  382. What’s a ghost’s favorite fruit? Boo-berries!
  383. The farmers lost all their crops and decided to try a career in music instead. They just had too many sick beets.
  384. I bought Velcro sneakers, but they were a total rip-off!
  385. What’s a tornado’s favorite game? Twister!
  386. Two sheep walk into a—baaaa.
  387. My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar. It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.
  388. My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
  389. Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.
  390. I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.
  391. I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.
  392. Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on many levels!
  393. My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.
  394. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
  395. Why did the elephant quit his job? He was working for peanuts.
  396. A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
  397. What kind of coffee does a vampire drink? De-coffin-ated.
  398. What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
  399. The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  400. Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.
  401. Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
  402. What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
  403. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
  404. Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
  405. Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
  406. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
  407. What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
  408. What did the vet say to the cat? “How are you feline?”
  409. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
  410. What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream.
  411. How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face.
  412. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
  413. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick!
  414. What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don’t wok away from me!
  415. If there’s one thing that always makes me throw up…It’s a dart board on the ceiling.
  416. Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren’t moving. I told him it’s because they are stationary.
  417. What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside!
  418. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they’ll just wash up on shore.
  419. What do the royals put on their pancakes? Sir Up.
  420. What did the basketball thief say when he heard the cops? Let’s bounce.
  421. What do trees say to other mean trees? Leaf me alone.
  422. What happens when you go to the bathroom in Europe? European.
  423. Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.
  424. Why don’t crabs donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
  425. Why is the ocean so salty? Because land never waves back.
  426. What falls in winter but never gets hurt? Snow.
  427. What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor.
  428. Why don’t dogs like walking in the rain? They are afraid of Poodles.
  429. I started arguing with my son in the elevator. Turns out I was wrong on all levels
  430. Are you saving that for Ron?! Later on… get it.
  431. Did you hear about the girl who quit her job at the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.
  432. Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”
  433. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
  434. Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
  435. That ghost was such a bad liar… I could see right through him!
  436. Don’t eat my cheese, that’s nacho cheese!
  437. How do you teach kids about taxes? Eat 38% of their ice cream.
  438. Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.
  439. I recently went to the “World’s Tiniest Wind Turbine” exhibit. Honestly, not a big fan.
  440. I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too weak notice.
  441. Why did the coach put the frog in the outfield? He’s really good at catching flies.
  442. What did one hat say to the other? Wait here, I’m going on ahead!
  443. Why didn’t the skeleton go on the rollercoaster? It didn’t have the guts.
  444. Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  445. How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
  446. Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
  447. Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
  448. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
  449. What invention allows us to see through walls? Windows.
  450. What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
  451. What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
  452. How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
  453. Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.
  454. Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
  455. Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
  456. Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
  457. What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
  458. Doctor, doctor, I’m terrified of squirrels. Doctor: You must be nuts.
  459. Stop looking for the perfect match – use a lighter.
  460. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye Matey!”
  461. What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.
  462. What does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
  463. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
  464. What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager!
  465. Why didn’t they let the fungi into the party? There wasn’t mush room.
  466. When I play hide and seek, I always pick the freezer. It’s my chance to have a cool hiding spot!
  467. Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole.
  468. Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? Because it had more cents.
  469. I went to the library to borrow a movie, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The librarian just laughed and said, ‘That’s a blast from the past!
  470. Why are frogs scared to cross the busy street? They don’t want to croak.
  471. Why aren’t guitars made of cheese? It’s too stringy.
  472. If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
  473. I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.
  474. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
  475. I’d tell you another chemistry joke… unfortunately all the good ones argon.
  476. Every morning I tell my wife that I’m going jogging but then I don’t go… it’s a running joke.
  477. What beans can you plant but never grow? Jelly beans.
  478. What awards do dentists receive? Plaques.
  479. Did you hear the story about the haunted lift? It really raised my spirits!
  480. Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies!
  481. A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
  482. My wife told me she didn’t understand cloning. I told her, “That makes two of us.”
  483. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a Motherboard?” He said, “I tell her about my job.”
  484. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
  485. Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.
  486. What do tacos say in church? Lettuce pray!
  487. I had a joke about boxing, but I forgot the punchline.
  488. Why do nurses always take the red crayons? They have to draw a lot of blood.
  489. It takes a lot of guts to be an organ donor.
  490. What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much? Light blue.
  491. Why is no one friends with Dracula? He’s a pain in the neck.
  492. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
  493. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
  494. My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.
  495. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
  496. My doctor told me I’ve really grown as a person. Well, her exact words were that I “gained excess weight.”
  497. I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don’t have the guts to tell it.
  498. I’d avoid the sushi if I were you — it’s a little fishy!
  499. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
  500. What do you call a wizard who’s good with ceramics? Harry Pottery.
  501. Air used to be free at the gas station. Now it’s $1.50. You know why? Inflation.
  502. What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
  503. What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.
  504. Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
  505. Where did the lizard go after losing its tail? The retail store.
  506. Why shouldn’t you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
  507. Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
  508. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
  509. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  510. What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source? Mystery meat.
  511. Why did two tall people get along so well? They could really see eye to eye.
  512. What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
  513. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
  514. People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!
  515. Why was Cinderella thrown off the football team? She ran away from the ball.
  516. I’m on a seafood diet: When I see food, I eat it.
  517. Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
  518. Someone has glued my pack of cards together. I don’t know how to deal with it.
  519. Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  520. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof I was shocked!
  521. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
  522. Why did the vegetable call the plumber? It had a leek.
  523. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Just look for the gray hares.
  524. Where to Easter eggs take each other to dance? The basketball.
  525. What is the best day to cook fish? Friday.
  526. What did the lightbulb say to his girlfriend? “I love you a watt.”
  527. Why couldn’t the bike stand on its own? Because it was two tyred.
  528. I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself “well this changes everything.”
  529. “Siri,” I asked my phone, “why am I so bad with women?” She responded, “I’m Bixby, you moron.”
  530. Swords will never go obsolete. They’re cutting edge technology.
  531. I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
  532. My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
  533. The finger was put in detention for always picking on the nose.
  534. 3.14% of sailors are considered pi-rates.
  535. I told a joke about chemistry, but it didn’t get a reaction.
  536. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
  537. I’m writing a book about glue, but I’m stuck on the first chapter.
  538. I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.
  539. My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I think this could spell disaster.
  540. A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
  541. A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
  542. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
  543. I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.
  544. I have a joke about cows, but I don’t want to milk it.
  545. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  546. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
  547. How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
  548. Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
  549. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
  550. Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
  551. Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.
  552. How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
  553. Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
  554. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush.
  555. What is a snake’s favourite subject? Hiss-tory.
  556. I’ve always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.
  557. What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.
  558. I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.
  559. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!
  560. A communist joke isn’t funny… unless everyone gets it.
  561. What’s the one thing you are guaranteed to get every year on your birthday? A year older.
  562. What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived “hoppily” ever after.
  563. Why was no dirty language allowed at the theater? It was a soap opera.
  564. Why did the cement factory vandal get away? There wasn’t any concrete evidence.
  565. Which vegetable does a pirate never eat? Leeks.
  566. Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”
  567. I gave away all my used batteries today. Free of charge!
  568. My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinfoianjlejk n,.nbzwslmo78yv87dfaodvmhtytdf
  569. I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing.
  570. Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
  571. What do you write on a rabbit’s birthday card? Hoppy Birthday!
  572. I brought an egg to a comedy show and he cracked up.
  573. Why was the stadium so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.
  574. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!
  575. How long should socks be? Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot.
  576. What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company? A crane.
  577. What do rabbits need after getting caught in the rain? A hare dryer.
  578. Why can’t you tell a taco a secret? They tend to spill the beans!
  579. What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
  580. Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
  581. Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
  582. Finally my winter fat has gone – now I have spring rolls.
  583. I have a fear of elevators, but I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
  584. Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.
  585. As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 3,518 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
  586. Why was the turkey the drummer in the band? Because he had drumsticks.
  587. 30 percent of pet owners let their pets sleep in their bed. I tried it and my goldfish died.
  588. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
  589. I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
  590. This guy was fired for always sweeping girls off their feet. He was a super-aggressive janitor.
  591. What’s the least spoken language? Sign language.
  592. That vampire should see a doctor…he’s always coffin.
  593. What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
  594. What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
  595. Why did the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
  596. My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.
  597. What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!
  598. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  599. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
  600. What is the difference between a cat that got photocopied and a cat that follows you? One is a cat copy, the other is a copycat.
  601. I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
  602. How do cows learn about current events? They read the moo-spaper.
  603. Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
  604. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  605. When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
  606. I used to hate the hokey pokey, but I really turned myself around.
  607. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Dill with it.
  608. I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking her. She’s a pure bread dog.
  609. Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
  610. The Lego shop reopens tomorrow, but I recommend avoiding it for the time being. People will be lined up for blocks.
  611. What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing.
  612. I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
  613. (Holding a step ladder) “This is my step ladder… I never knew my real ladder.”
  614. I tried to do my homework but my pencil broke, so it was pointless.