Holiday Dad Jokes

Struggling to think of what to buy someone for Christmas? Get theme a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

What do you call a cat chewing on Christmas tree lights? Shocking.

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs.

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?” Nothing, it’s on the house.

What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside!

Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole.

Where to Easter eggs take each other to dance? The basketball.

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived “hoppily” ever after.

Why was the turkey the drummer in the band? Because he had drumsticks.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Ho, ho. Ho, ho who? You know, your Santa impression could use a little work!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Merry Christmas!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

How can you save money on Valentine’s gifts? Become single.

How do astronomers propose on Valentine’s Day? They planet.

What did the tortoise say on Valentine’s Day? I turt-ally love you.

Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yeah, it’s February 14!

Forget Valentine’s Day. I’m just waiting for the discounted chocolate.

How can you get arrested on Valentine’s Day? For stealing someone’s heart.

How did the bat couple spend Valentine’s Day? Hanging out together!

How did the orca ask the other to be their Valentine? “Whale you be mine?”

How did the vegetable politely ask for a date? “Peas be my Valentine.”

How did the whale ask the other whale on a Valentine’s date? Whale you be mine?

How do vampires know if they had a successful Valentine’s Day? If it’s love at first bite.

I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my true love… food.

What did one blueberry say to the other on Valentine’s Day? I love you berry much.

What did one elephant say to the other on Valentine’s Day? I love you a ton!

What did one flame say to another on Valentine’s Day? We’re a perfect match.

What did the pickle say to the other on Valentine’s Day? “You’re a big dill to me.”

What do you write in a slug’s Valentine’s Day card? Be my Valen-slime!

What does an owl sign their Valentine’s Day card? Owl be yours!

What does Nicolas Cage say on Valentine’s Day? You’ve caged my heart.

When is Valentine’s Day? Every year!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Bea. Bea who? Bea mine Valentine!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke who just got a Valentine!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Peas. Peas who? Peas be my Valentine!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Teddy. Teddy who? Teddy is Valentine’s Day.

How does Easter end? With an “R”!

What did the Easter egg ask for at the hair salon? A new dye-job.

What do you call an Easter egg from outer space? An egg-straterrestrial!

What’s the best way to make Easter easier? Put an “i” where the “t” is.

Where did the Easter Bunny learn how to ski? The bunny hill.

Where does the Easter Bunny eat breakfast? IHOP.

Which side of the Easter Bunny has the most fur? The outside.

Why couldn’t the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn’t have the hare fare.

Why did the Easter egg hide? It was a little chicken.

Why don’t you see dinosaurs at Easter? Because they are eggs-tinct.

Why was the little girl sad after the Easter egg hunt? Because an egg beater!

Did you hear the one about the house infested with Easter eggs? It needed an eggs-terminator!

How can you make Easter preparations go faster? Use the eggs-press lane!

How does an Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so good? Hare spray.

How does an Easter chicken bake a cake? From scratch.

How does the Easter Bunny paint all those Easter Eggs? He hires Santa’s elves to help during their off-season.

How does the Easter Bunny travel on vacation? On hare planes.

Want some Easter advice? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

What did one Easter egg say to the other? Heard any good yolks today?

What did the Easter Bunny do after its wedding? Went on a nice bunnymoon.

What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade? It was eggs-cellent.

What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot? It’s been nice gnawing you.

What do the Easter Bunny and Michael Jordan have in common? They’re both famous for stuffing baskets.

What is Easter Bunny’s favorite kind of music? Hip-hop!

What is the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny? Hare mail.

What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite state capital? Albunny, New York.

What’s an Easter egg’s least favorite day? Fry-day.

Where did the Easter Bunny go for a new tail? To a retail store.

Where does Christmas come before Easter? The dictionary!

How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so nice? He uses hare spray!

How does the Easter Bunny stay active? Eggs-ercise.

How does the Easter Bunny stay cool in the summer? He’s got hare-conditioning.

How does the Easter Bunny stay safe? He’s got a bunny guard.

Why won’t Easter eggs go out at night? They don’t want to get beat up!

Why should you never show Easter eggs a scary movie? They’re all a little chicken!

Why did the Easter Bunny go to the salon? To cover up its gray hares.

What is the Easter bunny’s favorite song? “Don’t Worry Be Hoppy.”

What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite sport? Basket-ball, of course!

What kind of beans grow in the garden on Easter? Jelly beans!

How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur looking good? With a hare brush!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Alma. Alma who? Alma Easter candy is gone!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry, Easter will be back next year!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Sherwood. Sherwood who? Sherwood like to have as much Easter candy as you!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Some bunny. Some bunny who? Some bunny’s been eating all my Easter candy!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Wendy. Wendy who? Wendy Easter egg hunt taking place?

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any more Easter eggs to decorate?

Did you know that Christmas will fall on star wars day this year!? Guess whos coming to town?

What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.

Can a turkey jump higher than a house? Yes, because houses can’t jump!

Did you hear about the turkey prom? It was a Butterball.

If leaves come from trees, where do turkeys come from? Poultries.

What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham? Nice to meat you.

Which holiday is Dracula’s favorite? Fangs-giving.

What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky!

What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? A har-vest.

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner? The casse-role.

What’s blue and covered in feathers? A turkey holding its breath.

When is turkey soup bad for your health? When you’re the turkey!

Why did the policeman crash Thanksgiving dinner? To stop people from going over the feed limit.

Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drumsticks!

What kind of turkey requires ID? Wild Turkey.

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.

What did the turkey say to the hunter on Thanksgiving day? Quack, quack!