1. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
  2. Why did Santa go to music school? To improve his wrapping skills!
  3. What do you call a cat on the beach during Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
  4. What did the gingerbread man use to keep his bed warm? A cookie sheet!
  5. Why was the ornament addicted to Christmas? It was hooked on trees.
  6. What’s Santa’s favorite pizza? One that’s deep pan, crisp, and even!
  7. How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!
  8. Why was the math book sad at Christmas? Because it had too many problems!
  9. What’s a snowman’s favorite kind of potato? Krisp Kringle!
  10. What do you call a snowman party? A snowball!
  11. How do snowmen greet each other? Ice to meet you!
  12. Why did Santa bring a ladder to the bar? Because the drinks were on the house!
  13. What do you call Santa on the beach? Sandy Claus!
  14. Why did Santa’s reindeer Rudolph go to school? To improve his “elf”-esteem!
  15. What’s Santa’s favorite genre of music? Wrap!
  16. How does Santa stay in shape during the off-season? He does Claus-thenics!
  17. Why did Santa go to acting school? Because he wanted to improve his “present”ation!
  18. What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? Quit hanging around!
  19. Why did Santa go to the doctor? Because of his chronic “claustrophobia”!
  20. Why don’t Christmas trees knit? They keep dropping their needles.
  21. What did Santa say after returning to the North Pole? There’s snow place like home.
  22. Why couldn’t the teacher find anyone to help her with her gifts? No one was present.
  23. What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt? Snow!
  24. What is Santa’s nationality? He’s North Pole-ish.
  25. What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause.
  26. What did one snowman say another snowman? You’re cool.
  27. Why did the ornament go to school? It wanted to be a little “brighter”!
  28. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
  29. What did one Christmas tree say its friend when it was sad? Lighten up!
  30. What kind of money do elves use? Jingle bills.
  31. Why wouldn’t you want to get into a fight with Santa? He has a black belt.
  32. What do Santa’s elves use to help them walk in the slippery snow? Candy canes.
  33. What’s Tarzan’s favorite Christmas song? Jungle bells.
  34. What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy.
  35. What did one cranberry say to the other at Christmas time? Berry Christmas!
  36. What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you!
  37. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
  38. Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much? She sleighs.
  39. Why did the computer keep freezing during the Christmas party? It couldn’t handle the Windows!
  40. I have this weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
  41. Why do snowmen live at the North Pole? Because it’s cool.
  42. Who’s the snowman’s favorite rapper? Ice Cube.
  43. What do you call someone afraid of Santa? A Claus-trophic.
  44. My wife said if she didn’t like my Christmas gift she’d burn it. So I got her a candle.
  45. Where do elves go to vote? The north poll.
  46. How does Santa take photos? With a Pole-aroid camera, of course.
  47. What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter “Y!”
  48. What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.
  49. Why did the Christmas tree go to the doctor? It was feeling green.
  50. What do you call a snowman who likes to take tropical vacations? A puddle.
  51. How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!
  52. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
  53. What reindeer game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
  54. What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum. You just can’t beat it
  55. Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph.
  56. How is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and a guy in a suit gets all the credit.
  57. Why doesn’t Santa go to the hospital? He has private elf care.
  58. How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
  59. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.
  60. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket… I’m just THAT happy to see you.
  61. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!
  62. What does Santa clean his sleigh with? Santa-tizer.
  63. How do snowmen lose weight? They wait for the weather to get warmer.
  64. Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling crumby.
  65. How did Rudolph survive his first trip with Santa? He held on for deer life.
  66. Where do Santa’s elves go swimming? The North pool.
  67. Why do birds fly south for Christmas? It’s too far to walk.
  68. What do reindeer say before telling a joke? This one will sleigh you!
  69. Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!
  70. Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  71. How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.
  72. How does Santa measure his bag? In Santa-meters.
  73. How is a reindeer like a coin? It has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
  74. What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas cake? Your teeth.
  75. What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather? Its shadow.
  76. What was Santa’s favorite subject in school? Chemistree.
  77.  Knock, knock! Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for Christmas cookies!
  78. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Wow, you’re really excited about Christmas!
  79. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Allie. Allie who? Allie want for Christmas is you.
  80. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open the presents until Christmas.
  81. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas.