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- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
- Why did Santa go to music school? To improve his wrapping skills!
- What do you call a cat on the beach during Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
- What did the gingerbread man use to keep his bed warm? A cookie sheet!
- Why was the ornament addicted to Christmas? It was hooked on trees.
- What’s Santa’s favorite pizza? One that’s deep pan, crisp, and even!
- How do you scare a snowman? You get a hairdryer!
- Why was the math book sad at Christmas? Because it had too many problems!
- What’s a snowman’s favorite kind of potato? Krisp Kringle!
- What do you call a snowman party? A snowball!
- How do snowmen greet each other? Ice to meet you!
- Why did Santa bring a ladder to the bar? Because the drinks were on the house!
- What do you call Santa on the beach? Sandy Claus!
- Why did Santa’s reindeer Rudolph go to school? To improve his “elf”-esteem!
- What’s Santa’s favorite genre of music? Wrap!
- How does Santa stay in shape during the off-season? He does Claus-thenics!
- Why did Santa go to acting school? Because he wanted to improve his “present”ation!
- What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? Quit hanging around!
- Why did Santa go to the doctor? Because of his chronic “claustrophobia”!
- Why don’t Christmas trees knit? They keep dropping their needles.
- What did Santa say after returning to the North Pole? There’s snow place like home.
- Why couldn’t the teacher find anyone to help her with her gifts? No one was present.
- What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt? Snow!
- What is Santa’s nationality? He’s North Pole-ish.
- What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause.
- What did one snowman say another snowman? You’re cool.
- Why did the ornament go to school? It wanted to be a little “brighter”!
- What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
- What did one Christmas tree say its friend when it was sad? Lighten up!
- What kind of money do elves use? Jingle bills.
- Why wouldn’t you want to get into a fight with Santa? He has a black belt.
- What do Santa’s elves use to help them walk in the slippery snow? Candy canes.
- What’s Tarzan’s favorite Christmas song? Jungle bells.
- What do you call an elf that just won the lottery? Welfy.
- What did one cranberry say to the other at Christmas time? Berry Christmas!
- What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you!
- What do you call an old snowman? Water.
- Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much? She sleighs.
- Why did the computer keep freezing during the Christmas party? It couldn’t handle the Windows!
- I have this weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
- Why do snowmen live at the North Pole? Because it’s cool.
- Who’s the snowman’s favorite rapper? Ice Cube.
- What do you call someone afraid of Santa? A Claus-trophic.
- My wife said if she didn’t like my Christmas gift she’d burn it. So I got her a candle.
- Where do elves go to vote? The north poll.
- How does Santa take photos? With a Pole-aroid camera, of course.
- What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter “Y!”
- What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.
- Why did the Christmas tree go to the doctor? It was feeling green.
- What do you call a snowman who likes to take tropical vacations? A puddle.
- How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
- What reindeer game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
- What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum. You just can’t beat it
- Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph.
- How is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and a guy in a suit gets all the credit.
- Why doesn’t Santa go to the hospital? He has private elf care.
- How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
- What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.
- You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket… I’m just THAT happy to see you.
- How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!
- What does Santa clean his sleigh with? Santa-tizer.
- How do snowmen lose weight? They wait for the weather to get warmer.
- Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling crumby.
- How did Rudolph survive his first trip with Santa? He held on for deer life.
- Where do Santa’s elves go swimming? The North pool.
- Why do birds fly south for Christmas? It’s too far to walk.
- What do reindeer say before telling a joke? This one will sleigh you!
- Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!
- Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
- How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.
- How does Santa measure his bag? In Santa-meters.
- How is a reindeer like a coin? It has a head on one side and a tail on the other.
- What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas cake? Your teeth.
- What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather? Its shadow.
- What was Santa’s favorite subject in school? Chemistree.
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for Christmas cookies!
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Wow, you’re really excited about Christmas!
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Allie. Allie who? Allie want for Christmas is you.
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open the presents until Christmas.
- Knock, knock! Who’s there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas.
